


Hunk's Anxiety Journal

by gabetheaaa



Category: Voltron - Fandom, Voltron Legendary Defender
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Autistic Hunk Garrett, Blood, Depression, Drugs, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Gore, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Nightmares, Nonbinary Character, Other, PTSD, Parent Death, Pidge is underaged?, Polyamory, References to past relationship with Shay, Shiro and Ulaz are buds, Shiro is a veteran, Smut, The blade bros are Keith's workout squad and cat loving badass brothers from other mothers, Therapy, Torture, Trans Male Character, Will add more tags to sexy times or in the summary, they/them pronouns for Pidge, underaged drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-11-16 06:24:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11248143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabetheaaa/pseuds/gabetheaaa
Summary: Hunk's therapist suggest he writes down his feelings and experiences in order to avoid crashing and burning this upcoming semester. Things get interesting really fast.





	1. First Entry

June 13th, 2017  
"As suggested by my therapist I'm starting this diary in hopes of helping myself vent during this upcoming semester and not crashing and burning like I did this summer. It's still kinda hard to put the words in my head on paper because my brain just goes too fast."

"Sure essentially I'm going to learn how to put cars together, take them apart and then put them back together as if I was smearing butter on toast but to me it's so much more than that. I think machines are so fascinating, but if I want to see even more passion I talk to my friend Pidge. I think they're doing some online courses while they look for a job, I'm not entirely sure. "

"On the side of me learning How To Car, I'm also hoping to do some minor classes where I can relax by making food and trying out new things. My aunt told me growing up that I could own a restaurant if I wanted to, and for the longest time I was chasing that idea, that dream. But I then saw my neighbor trying to "fix" a slashed tire. At the time I didn't know it was because my neighbor Austin had recently broken up and had a "scary ex", honestly at first what caught my attention was the 80s rock playing from his garage, it was really nice." 

"I miss my aunt, I should call her."

Putting my pencil down I took a breath and reached into my pocket, smiling at the goofy background Lance set up when I first got this phone. It's a selfie of him using that one Snapchat filter that made his chin look huge. Kind of like Crimson Chin from The Fairy Odd Parents. Soon after that I opened my contacts and scrolled to find my Aunt and click the call button. 

"Called my Aunt and played catch up. We talked about one of the cats in her neighborhood recently had 5 kittens. She said she'll send me pictures later tonight once the mom calms down. I try to avoid thinking about giving birth, gives me a bad feel. It's painful and very natural but... Yeah. Speaking of painful and natural things, it's almost that time again, apparently I'm fertile right now based off of what Clue's saying. It still sucks being reminded that I can even carry and produce half a baby. I should go outside, maybe take a walk."

Normally when I say that I'd just get away from my desk and just lie down on my bed but I've been inside all day so for once I will leave my crappy dorm room and venture out to the mysterious nearby park! Where lovers and dog owners go and lay in the grass only to get a sunburn five seconds later from the giant gas ball in the sky. After closing my journal I move from my desk and put my phone back into my pocket, walking over to the bowl near my bed were I put my wallet, keys and other random trinkets I may need such as stim toys or extra pencils. I grab my keys (after getting jabbed by a bunch of pencils) and slip them into my pocket, then I reach down and grab my boots, pulling them up over my feet and loosely tying the laces. It's quiet today- of course with the exception of nearby construction work and birds chirping away, maybe Pidge and Rover will be at the park! Yeah right, like Pidge goes outside. 

Walking down the stairs and away from the dorm building I take a breath, reaching down to pull at my binder before looking both ways and then crossing the street. It's a little weird not seeing lots of cars nearby, but as I get closer to the park I admire the colors, the grass, the sky, even the freshly planted saplings make me smile. It's only until I smash stomach first into a bench and curl around the metal where I yelp and stumble back, holding my stomach. I hope no one heard that. I look around and the nearest person is wearing headphones and reading a book. Thank god. Along with the internal screaming of embarrassment and harsh critique of my actions I feel my hands dampen in my gloves. It's going to take a while for the nervous sweat to leave my neck but I go around the bench and sit down, shifting my necklace into my mouth and chewing on the silicone. It took me a long time to feel comfortable to stim in public but after multiple sessions with my doctor I started peeking out of my shell. 

As I look around I feel my phone buzz, and pull it out. Looks like Lance is at the pool again. And taking many selfies of him with a fruity drink and posing while making a silly face. Figures, he always liked the water when you were younger. I'm not a huge fan for a couple of reasons. Not to sound bitter, but I sometimes envy Lance. He's insecure about his body, but on an opposite side of the spectrum. He says he's too scrawny and wants to be buffer like Shiro, or even Keith. I shouldn't be thinking about this... With a sigh I put my phone back into my pocket, and continue orally stimming as I get up from the bench and begin to move around the park, reaching out to brush my fingers against an old Oak tree. I look up at all the branches with leaves twitching in the soft breeze, then spot a bird's nest tucked up against a higher branch near the core of the tree. 

I'm not good with animals like I am with plants but it's nice to see, then I'm off to look at a nearby flower bed basking in the glimmering sunlight, so many assortments of purples and blues! And even a little bit of pink. They look so frail and soft. As I move around the park I circle back to the bench and then check my phone, doing my best to ignore Lance's Instagram and Snapchat notifications. I feel a bit guilty erasing them honestly. Seeing him so active makes me curious about Keith, he's always been quiet around me, I wonder if he's autistic too, or if he's just too cool to really open up around other people. I try to be friendly with him but I can never read what he's thinking! I made him laugh once and honestly I have never felt more queer in my entire life. 

I stop for a moment and then turn off my phone, it's time to go back inside while I can still breath semi comfortably in this heat. If I pass out again Allura's going to yell at me for binding too long. It's nice that she cares about me so much despite her slightly hardened personality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is first person is hard OTL


	2. With the Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance and Keith invite Hunk over for tv and beauty treatments, shit is talked and personalities are ExtraTM as always

She means well but sometimes she can be very intense, I wonder if it's because of what happened to her family or just because she has such an stressed visual of herself. She's never truly satisfied I wonder why that is. Allura's going into either business or some form of counseling, I heard from Shiro that's she's going to join Coran in being a personal trainer but I'm not sure. I only really work out my arms and legs and maybe my core on good day so I only go to the gym when I really need to get the energy out. 

As I cross the street and go up the stairs I finally get to my dorm room, unlocking the door and closing it behind me. Knowing I'm alone I stretch my arms and let out a loud sigh. I get to my room and struggle to pull my pressure vest and shirt off, along with my binder. Wow breathing, what a foreign experience! I sit on my bed for a few minutes, looking down at the fabric of my gloves as I check for any stray strings or torn material. Soon enough I'm slipping a sports bra on and then my shirt and vest, reaching up to tighten my headband to just the right pressure. Before I text anyone I fill in my journal about my time in the park, including my horrific belly flop onto a steaming metal bench much to my shame. Dr. Arnold said to not leave any details out so that I can keep all my memories in order. Sure I'm going to leave some details out like how sometimes in the shower I just stand under the hot water until it burns my skin so I have an excuse to scream loudly under the buffer of water, rock n roll and slightly thicker than office paper dorm walls. 

Or the whole thing about my sexual activities, that's for another doctor to know about. Even though I don't kiss and tell. I try to stay very humble and respectful of my partner/s' privacy. Not like many people give me that attention anyway... I don't hate it, it's better being alone sometimes! That way you don't have to worry about impressing someone and then getting their hopes up about your so called personality and talents and then when you inevitably mess up everything bursts into flames of disappointment and shame. Also-

https://youtu.be/Okdlo5bOUgw

Okay maybe that anxiety spiral will have to wait it's Lance! 

I pick up my phone and clear my throat. "Hey buddy what's up?" I can vaguely hear Keith complaining about something and Lance bickering back teasingly, "Nothing much, Keefy Beefy is whining that I smell like chlorine cuz I got back from the pool. You should have come with me bro!" I shake my head and then rub my cheek, "I had to do something, you know being in water in public of all things makes me wheezy." 

I hear a door open and shut with the jingle of Lance's gaudy key chain in the background. "Yeah Hunk I know, but you have to get out more it's fun out here. Sooner or later you're gonna have a worse hunch than Pidge! And lord knows I can't have my right hand man looking old when I'm trying to set him up with some fine babe." 

I can't help but laugh at that, laying back onto my bed and sticking my leg up. "Oh Lance, master of romance and seduction. How ever will I find a lover! Teach me your ways you absolute dork." He scoffs and I swear I can hear him rolling his eyes while Keith smirks at him. "Hey Lance am I by chance on speaker? I can hear Keith's nod in agreement from here." 

"Nah I have my headphones in, Keith and I agreed no one goes on speaker unless asked beforehand." I raise an eyebrow, fiddling with the long orange strand attached to my headband. "I feel like there's a possibly inappropriate story attached to that agreement..." Lance laughs briefly, "There kinda is but I'll tell you if you come over tonight and watch Chopped with me, I got those black charcoal peeling masks you like-" "And those little cheese wheels?" "Yes Hunk, I got lots of wheels. Because I know first hand you're going to suplex my tv when someone uses the ice cream machine if you don't have something in your hands." 

I put a hand to my chest and gasp mockingly, "I would never! Maybe punch it, but then I realize how expensive literally everything in this town is so despite my blood curdling rage to see some doofus throw a perfectly good recipe into an over glorified extra cool and thick blender I will inhale those precious little cheese wheels."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 coming soon af


	3. Cracking Open a Cold One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dem boys drink and watch tv, Keith and Lance are #shook

Lance laughs and then we talk for a bit, planning for when I should come over to their apartment and if I need to bring anything. The couple insist I don't because when I bake or cook things I make it for large amounts of people. Like, literal family amounts, feeding part of the neighborhood amounts of hearty meals with deserts included. 

Once he hangs up I sit up and stretch again. I can't bind again but this sports bra should work. I check myself in the mirror to see how flat I am, "Eh, close enough..." If anyone asks it's just because your body type, not because you're "something else". I grab my phone and headphones and slip them into my pocket, along with my wallet and keys. God I really should bring something with I don't want to use all of their food... I'll just bring a six pack over and it'll be alright, Keith likes shitty beer anyway. 

I personally don't like most beers but one can't always do jello shots and drink okay wine. I dig through my fridge and grab one of the sampler packs I bought on sale, at least a few have fruit flavors for me and Lance to partially enjoy. Must be a Texan thing for Keith to enjoy dry piss water beer. 

Their apartment isn't far but driving is just safer so once I have everything I leave and head to the parking garage and get set up. I keep forgetting how Bad seatbelts feel, they always dig into my shoulder. Pidge makes all sorts of jokes about me and my smart car but there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep the enviroment safe while looking up with the times. Pidge has their dad's old car, it's not too bad actually (for a 2007 Subaru Legacy GT). Maybe a new coat of paint and some better quality tires but hey Pidge can work whatever ride they have. 

I just love my Smart Fourfour, it's this really crisp yellow color. One time I got into an accident and there was barely a scratch on this lovely darling. But enough of that- Time to drive. Leaving the parking garage I make my way downtown (walking fast) to Lance and Keith's apartment. 

A good fifteen minutes pass and blasting 80s rock cds finish up, I leave the car and move up the stairs with the six pack, good, it's still cold. I pause at their door, checking that the number is right, then I check again. Okay. Good! Do I knock or ring the doorbell? Does Blue hate the doorbell I don't remember- shit! Screw it, I knock three times on the door and then ring the bell once, only for Lance to swing open the door wearing his fuzzy robe and holding Blue close to his chest. She's a really soft cat. I like Blue! "Well don't just stare buddy come in!" Lance pulls me in and shuts the door behind me, setting Blue down on the ground so she can wrap around my ankle and purr loudly. 

"Hey hey Blue, have you been a good kitty lately?" "Yes." Aw that's so- wait what? Lance breaks into a snicker as Keith slowly sinks into the couch, "Hi Hunk, and yes Blue is really good." I look to Lance and he smirks. "Hello Keith! I know you guys said not to bring anything but I couldn't not bring something because of anxiety so I brought some beer!" Lance smiles and nods, "That's cool, we got Chopped on the tv and haven't started it yet so set the booze down and then go put this on." He hands me a packet for a black charcoal peeling face mask. "Oh thank you!" I give him a quick hug and then go towards the living room and set the six pack down on the small table.

I sit down on the couch next to Keith and bump him playfully, "How have your classes been Keith? Lance told me you're getting into Krav Maga again with those Mammory people!" He stares at me for a few seconds, then looks to Lance in confusion. "Mamora, Hunk. But uh- Good try." He pats me on the shoulder lightly and grabs a beer. I take the mask out of the casing and carefully brush my hair out of the way before laying the mask on, smoothing out the edges that prick up on my nose. Lance comes sauntering up and basically sits on my lap, grabbing a fruitier beer from the box. 

"Wait Keith do we have the bottle opener?" "I thought you got one when we went shopping yesterday." Lance's face screws up and he leans towards Keith, "This is why we make lists when we go get groceries! So we don't forget anything." Keith sets his bottle down and frowns, getting up in Lance's face, "I thought you said we were only going to get a few things instead of filling a damn cart!" Lance gasps and sets his beer down loudly on the table, shifting more in my lap. 

Wow this is awkward but not uncommon, Lance and Keith bump heads a lot. A very subtle kismesis deal, but I know they really do love each other. I don't really do anything as they keep arguing, but when it starts hurting my ears I start squirming in my seat, Lance's knee is digging into my thigh. "Alright guys that's enough!" I grab Lance by the shoulder and waist and pull him to my right side, and push Keith out of my face by the chest so he's against a couch cushion. They both go quiet and kinda look at each other, then at me. I can tell Keith's blushing but I don't know why. 

"I can do it, watch." I grab my own bottle and twist the cap off with my free hand. Then I do the same for Lance and Keith's drinks. "See? Now let's watch the show I'm dying to see what they make this time." The two are quiet but Lance grabs the controller and presses play, I'll have to thank him for putting the subtitles on later! 

I don't really know what happens next because I'm so engrossed by the show that I'm just monologuing and giving my commentary as the show's contestants fumble around with their baskets. I gasp seeing a lamb chop getting burned, I can't help but stomp my feet in stress. 

"That's just so wrong! No no! You know you're supposed to keep a closer eye on your meat while it's cooking that's why you should have waited to cook the vegetables!" I frown and Lance starts rubbing my back, giving me soft words of comfort. And a cheese wheel that I practically crush in my hands because this is so upsetting. I peel the wax off the cheese and eat the wheel, then take a swig of my beer. 

I lean back into the couch and sigh sadly, taking an occasional sip as I watch the dish be slapped together. It breaks my heart but I slowly calm down when I see another chef make a last minute, but oddly nice decision to put a rosemary garnish by her potatoes. As the judgement starts I set my beer down and let my arm relax on the back of the couch, barely touching the other two people. I feel Lance snuggle up close and Keith stays still, that is until I squeeze them both tightly when the chef with the rosemary potatoes gets good reviews.

Lance gags, "H-Hunk! Easy there! You're- Choking." I immediately let go, "Oh gosh I'm sorry guys! I, this is just so exciting..." They both nod at me and pat my shoulders. My phone buzzes signaling me to take off the mask and I can't help but giggle as I peel the material off of my face. I hum as I observe the material pulled from my skin on the black mask. Lance playfully acts grossed out and we have a good time. Keith doesn't seem as interested but to each their own. He just has a moisturizing mask on while Lance has the classic mud mask. 

The episode ends and so does most of our drinks, for a few hours we watch more tv and talk together about our recent events. I check the time again and then grab one strip of my headband. "I don't know if I should drive guys, should I call a Lyft?" Keith shakes his head, "No it's fine, Lance; would you be alright with Hunk spending the night?" There's barely a second before Lance burps and then nods, "Of course man, we can get you some pillows and blankets for you if you want the couch." 

I tighten my headband, "Are you sure you guys are okay with that? I don't want to intrude." Lance waves a finger at me, "Listen Hunkalicious, you're our guest, get comfortable. It's just like at your place!" I play with my fingers, looking to the side, "If you guys say so." I should set my alarm for really early so I don't interrupt them and then I can just leave. I don't have class tomorrow but it'd still be nice to get some more studying in. 

But once I lay down on the couch with the full nine yards around me, I'm out cold. And I never set my alarm. So I'm woken up with sunlight in my face and the smell of coffee in the air. I groan and sit up, scratching my stomach. "Morning big guy, sleep well?" Lance waves at me softly, sipping some coffee and handing me a cup. "Yeah, and thank you." He keeps staring at me with this cute look on his face. It's nice. "This coffee is really nice, did you make it?" He shook his head, "Nah, Keith bought it yesterday before you came over." I smile, smelling the coffee, "It's nice..."

"Yes it is." He sits down on the couch after I shift out of the way. There's a pleasant pause. "So tell me why you and Keith can't have anyone on speaker anymore." Lance nearly gagged on his coffee.


	4. Breakfast in Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance tells Hunk about some good fuck he got. Then Hunk feeds the happy couple and a scheme is plotted

"Shit I thought you'd forget that." I shake my head, smirking over my coffee. "I can guess it's something like you using your phone during sex. Did you play candy crush?" Lance shook his head, "No I'm not that easily bored during sex, god Hunk." I shrugged, setting my cup down and leaning back against the couch. "Well twink lord, tell me what happened." 

Lance scoffed at his nickname and then took a sip of coffee. "Okay so yeah my phone did come into play but it wasn't planned." He paused. For a guy who talks himself up he sure does get flustered easily. I wave my hand in a circular motion, telling him to go on. 

"Keith had a bad day at work and it messed with him at his classes and he got suuuuper whooped by Ulaz and that really pissed him off. So he came home and there was lots of angry making out and after the fastest foreplay known to man he and I started getting ready and he embraced his ultimate angry twunk aesthetic by fingerblasting my brains out and then sliding in." I sip my coffee and nod, "Sounds fun. Did you use a condom?" 

Lance nodded, "Well duh! I may be thirsty but safety is number one man." I give him a thumbs up, finally he's learned barebacking isn't as easy as porn makes it seem. "So yeah we're fucking and it's going great and guess what happens- Allura calls me and you know if you don't answer her calls or texts she gets convinced that we're dead. So despite Keith's attempts I answer it and she goes off about her day and it's hard to focus cuz duh. Dick in my ass going at five hundred bajillion miles per hour. And I tell her I have to go and I hang up, but turns out I didn't hang up. I put her- on fucking speaker so she hears me and Keith nut and do aftercare and then I hear her sneeze." 

I can't help but snort and finish my cup of coffee, "Well that must be interesting, I'll have to gossip with her about it later~" "You will not ohmygod!" He slaps my arm playfully. I turn when I hear a grumble and the opening of a door, "Morning Mullet man, sleep well?" Keith glared at us and then went to pour himself a cup of coffee. Lance leaned over and staged whispered to me, "Keith gets hungover easily." Keith gave Lance the finger and went back to their shared room, "I'm gonna get an advil..." 

I do find myself looking at Keith's hips and humming, Lance smirks at me. "He's a real cutie ain't he?" I nod quietly and stand up, watching where Blue is to go to the fridge. "Oh c'mon man are you gonna make us breakfast?" I nod again, "Yeah of course, I have this one instant hangover cure. Now let's see what kind of spices you have." 

Lance pats his leg, Blue hopping up and balling up in his lap. "At least I have some, Keith's idea of spice is salt or ketchup." I sputter in disbelief. "God you two are ridiculous, you two should come over and I'll show you some real spice. One of my neighbors has great curry and she shared her recipe with me in exchange for my fudge." Lance smiled, "Your fudge is really good, the curry must be worth it." 

I nod as I pull out the eggs and set them on the counter along with some bacon cheese and an avocado I got from the produce bowl. I'm usually quiet when I cook unless I have trouble but I've made myself this multiple times, so this should be done fast. Lance nudges Blue off and gets up, propping himself onto a bar stool to watch me work my magic. I feel proud to have an audience as I make a hangover breakfast. 

Cheesy scrambled eggs with bacon on the side with avocado and honey drizzled wheat toast. Wow I really am a Millennial. Lance occasionally gives little comment about the smell or just how happy I look. I taste bits of everything and raise an eyebrow, then throw some paprika onto the eggs. Better. "Lane can you pull out three plates please?" "Of course dude." Lance nudges past me and goes to my side, reaching into a cabinet and pulling out three plates. "Now set them on the counter next to me. And then three glasses." He does so. 

I place the eggs, bacon, avocado and toast onto each plate. Then I look through the fridge and hum. "Okay I... Hmmm... Maybe I could- yeah no that doesn't work." Basic orange juice it is. I pour the glasses and then turn off the stove. "I'll wash the dishes after we eat." I handed Lance his plate and glass while I grabbed my own plate and Keith's. "Knock knock," I nudge the door open with my hip and Keith stares, eyes bulging. "Breakfast in bed?" 

I nod, "Yeah! Doesn't Lance do that for you?" There's an awkward silence, save for Lance's hesitant chuckle. "Yeah no Hunk, I'm not super good at cooking like you are." I hand Keith his plate and set mine down on the nightstand, Lance gets comfortable in bed with him. I watch them snuggle and feel a flutter, then leave the room to grab Keith and I's drinks and the silverware. I come back and we all eat together, I feel at home when I'm with these two. It's a little weird sometimes but I really like this... 

"Oh my god Hunk this tastes amazing, you should come over and cook more often." Keith said in between shoveling egg into his mouth. Lance filled him on my plans to have them over at my dorm for curry. "Maybe sometime next weekend?" "Yeah that sounds good to me, I'll just have to double check to see if I have all the ingredients." Keith frowns, "It's not spicy is it?" "No not at all, it's sweet actually!" I say, lying through my teeth as Lance looks at me in shock, poor Keith's tastebuds. But he seriously needs to try more food.


	5. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My motivation has been dead I'm too depressed I'm sorry if this goes on a hiatus (it will). You can still message me and stuff but yeah...

I can't do this right now.


	6. Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updating while this shift lasts. Hunk is one of my main Fictives. Sorry it's been forever.

It's been a while since I spent the night at Keith and Lance's, I already have the ingredients for the curry but honestly I've been staying in more often. Been feeling really depressed lately, I've been neglecting my journal... I miss everyone but can't reach out to them anymore. Whatever. I better get used to that feeling again. I'm driving to the bookstore after eating at one of the local diners near my place, there's a sudden flush of rain and I rush into the car to keep my leftovers from getting completely drenched from the downpour. After starting up my smartcar I'm trotting through the drowning road and listen to the classic rock that's mildly distorted by the pounding storm.

With twenty minutes I'm in the bookstore, wait! I step inside and then move to the side to check my wallet for a gift card I got- It's for that other bookstore, "Shit." I say to myself, pushing the card back into my wallet and the wallet into my pocket. I stroll around, staying quietly as I play with some animal puppets. 

After walking around I find a new messenger bag to go with my wallet, then buy the first books of two series of manga I've been meaning to get into. (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure and My love Story!!) After purchasing the bag and the books I treat myself to some Starbucks. 

Now I'm home, updating my journal and thinking about a certain somebody...


	7. S.O.S

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things haven't been so hot lately

We're going to hopefully move in the summer, and the motivation for this story has essentially died due to personal issues. I may put up other stuff but it's doubtful, if you want to help with my moving out of this shitty house privately message me or something for my paypal info, I won't force anyone; this is just one other platform I can reach people at. I take commissions as well, there's very little I won't draw. Thank you for your patience and interest in this attempted hook for old memories, we'll try to stay updated but Life has been sucking really fucking bad lately. 

-Thank you, The Van System


End file.
